If only .... Laetitia Zeeman

I was caught up in the Spirit and God took me back to a place in my past.

Lately, He has taken me there several times, showing me, revealing things to me, teaching me.

I saw a much familiar scene playing off right in front of my eyes.  I was in the scene, but this time I was watching it standing on the outside, looking at my own life.

The scene left me with a groaning inside me, a deep inarticulate sound conveying pain, despair, remorse …

If only …

If only I can turn back the clock.

If only I can have the opportunity again,

I would have done things so differently.

I would have been wiser, responded differently to the beautiful love God put right in front of me.

If only I could have another chance, to respond to love again.

I would have loved deeply.

I would not turn my cheek and push away.

I would not say yes to the things this world offered that seem so completely empty now.

I would have been whole and not broken, without any scars.

If only …

I stood in the throne room, crying before God for damage I have done.

I stood in the courts and clearly heard:  “Not guilty!”

I discovered a deep-deep love inside my heart.

I pushed it aside, away because of fear of past experiences.

I heard the whisper in the wind; the sweet-sweet sound:  “Every gift God freely gives us is good and perfect streaming down from the Father of lights”.

James 1:17a The Passion Translation

I asked God a few times to relieve me of this; I pleaded with Him.  This deep-deep love is too much to be contained by an earthly body.

But He answered:  “My grace is always more than enough for you and my power finds its full expression through your weaknesses”.

So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me.

For my weakness became a portal to God’s power.

(2 Corinthians 12:8-10 The Passion Translation).

Laetitia Zeeman