The Story Behind The Story - Beauty from Ashes - Laetitia Zeeman
After five years, I decided to
break the silence and tell the story behind the story; how God turned my ashes into beauty.
A Terrible Mistake
In 2014, after being single again
for almost 8 years, I decided to write an article on “Dating sites”. I started my own investigation or
research. Call it whatever you want, but
looking back now, honestly, I think I was fooling myself.
But anyway, my investigation or research
lasted only for two weeks and I can honestly say: A dating site will never see me again. I know some people who actually met on dating
sites who are very happily married today but the experience made me realize
just how naive I was. A dating site
will never see me again. It was a
mistake I will regret the rest of my life.
I had ten coffee dates in two weeks. I did everything according to the book:
To be honest, not to pretend to
be someone I am not, to always be safe, always meeting at a public place, going
with my own transport and always telling a friend where I will be, when I am
leaving and when I was back home safe again and then gave her feedback.
I also made it quite clear on my profile
that I am a child of God, passionate about ministry and I don’t believe in sex
outside or before marriage. Every time
on my way back home I said: “Thank God I
am still single. What’s wrong with some
men? Why do they have the need to hug after a single coffee date, wanting to feel if there is a ‘spark’, a
‘connection’? It’s just ridiculous,
seriously ridiculous”.
One day, I made a terrible stupid
mistake. I met a man once for coffee and
immediately after the coffee date told him that we just don’t have anything in
common. Two days later he contacted me
again, telling me that he knows both of us feel there’s no future for romance
because we don’t have anything in common but can’t we just be friends and get a
take away and simply talk and nothing else?
I told him that I only have a domestic worker once a week and because
she was coming the next day I really need to do my washing for her to iron the
next day. So I can’t go out but he is
welcome to buy the take away and come have supper at my house.
That evening I ended up with a
huge heavy man sitting on my back in an attempt to rape me. I was flat on my stomach. He had his knees on my shoulder blades,
pushing me down with his full weight on my back. I found it difficult to breath. The thought did cross my mind that tonight I
am going to become part of the rape statistics in South Africa.
I had leggings on and a dress but he had his
hands underneath my dress and already accomplished loosening my bra. He was massaging my back in an attempt for me
to give up, or over and with every stroke in a husky voice, he whispered close
to my ear: “Where is your God now? Where is your God now? Where is your God now?” I froze, completely, knowing that if I give
in now, it will have devastating results.
Although I still had all my clothes on, I had to take my dress off to fasten my bra again. I was shaking, making it very difficult to get dressed again. My cell phone was on charge in my room and the man could not get out without me opening the gate with the gate remote control.
I unlocked the bathroom door and he was already standing at the door, waiting to leave. He said: “I must never have come”. I said: “You are right. You should never have come”. As I unlocked the security gate at the door he suddenly asked: “What is there in the corner of your garden?”
Any person in her right state of
mind would have told him to get of her property as soon as possible but not
me. I told him: “Come, let me show you what is in that
corner”. So I took him to my prophetic
garden and calmly gave him an explanation of my prophetic garden:
“This used to be a round swimming pool but because I could not maintain
the pool anymore, I filled it with sand and changed it into a prophetic garden.
The stones with the sharp edges represent people and things that hurt me in my
past.
The different colors of flowers
represent the people God sent into my life to help with my healing
process. It is written in The Message
translation that God created us to bring out the God colors into this world.
The stepping stones represent God turning the
stones with sharp edges into stepping stones to take me to higher places. The green plants you see are the green
pastures where I ended up and the huge stone water feature at the back,
represent God, my rock.
Above the rock, attached to a wooden fence, at the back
of the prophetic garden, I read the sign:
‘And the rain fell and the floods came and the winds blew and beat
against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had been founded on the
rock. – Matthew 7:25’ and that is Who my God is”.
He left. I ran inside, locked the gate and door and
phoned a friend and the General Practitioner I was working for at that stage. My friend, who is also a pastoral councilor
and her husband immediately, came to my house.
My doctor and friend wanted me to report the incident to the police but
I was not convinced. I felt
ashamed. I felt so ashamed, for being so
stupid. I never told anybody else at
that stage. I was just too ashamed.
Do you know why women live with
so much guilt after being raped?
Fortunately I got away but others are not so lucky. Your body still react when being
touched. Many women, getting raped still
get an orgasm and that is why men, without having the woman's consent, often say:
“But you enjoyed it”.
A few days later I remembered
about a beautiful very decent man I also met on the dating site. He had a very high rank in the police but was
from East London and although we shared a few emails we never carried on
with the emails because what’s the use when you don’t believe in long distance relationships.
You can’t really get to
know someone when distance just makes it impossible to get better acquainted. So, I contacted him, told him
what happened and asked his advice.
He replied to my email, advising me not to report the incident to
the police because first of all, I had no evidence, I met the man on a dating
site and I invited him into my house. So
I didn’t really have much of a case. It will only make things worse than it
already was.
This man started supporting me
emotionally. He was very kind. After a few months he decided to drive all
the way from East London to meet me and fortunately he had friends he could
stay with in Pretoria. He came only for
the weekend.
I always wanted to meet
Simon and Sharon Bickerton Lotter who had a ministry in East London and I made use of the opportunity while
visiting. This was
a Godly appointment.
Up to today Sharon
and I are still close friends. She is
like a sister to me and I will be forever grateful to God for blessing me with
such an anointed friend. I remember
after meeting them saying: “Wow! They are like walking Bibles. I want to be like that”.
We were in a long-distance relationship.
Then a miracle happened. He got the opportunity to go on early pension
and was offered an amazing retirement package.
That would make it possible for him to actually move to Pretoria. We started planning our life together. He could stay with friends, until we get married and then he would move into my house after
marriage.
He made quite an impression on my
parents and sons, who were grown-ups and no longer living under my roof anymore. They also liked
and approved him as well. He asked my parents to marry me and had conversations
with both my sons as well.
My eldest son, said: “I have only one
question: ‘Are you one hundred present
sure you want to marry my mom, because it is written: ‘A man with two heads must get stoned’ and
it’s referring to ‘a double minded man’.
So, you have to be one hundred percent sure before you marry my
mother”.
He answered: “I have
never been so sure of anything in my life”.
I was super excited. We started planning a beautiful wedding. He moved to Pretoria three weeks prior to the
wedding. My beautiful dress was already
hanging in my cupboard, I already received all the RSVP’s for the wedding, and
I started packing my honeymoon suitcase with new underwear and beautiful
nighties.
The flowers and decorations
and table setting, everything was ready.
The pre-nuptial contract was signed and we already had the appointment
with the pastor who would handle the legal side of the wedding.
I had appointments with the hair dresser, was
booked for a gel mani- and pedicure and make-up. I bought a new perfume, especially for the
wedding. The photographer was arranged. Every single thing was in place. For honeymoon we would go to friend’s holiday
house in Gouritz River (Western Cape, South Africa).
Sixteen days prior the wedding,
both of us developed asthma.
I was
standing washing dishes one morning before work. I felt the presence of God, something moving/covering
my back. I said: “Lord, I know You are in this place. Something is just not right. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t have
peace. Something is just not right. I’m asking for Your protection. If this wedding is not supposed to take
place, then please stop it. Please, I
don’t want to go through another divorce.
Please protect me”.
He had a nine year old son from a
previous marriage. That evening his son,
living with his mother in East London, phoned crying about his daddy. Also, he had to fly back to East London to
appear in court the Monday. His wife
from his previous marriage claimed one hundred percent of his pension because
he still had a minor child.
The Saturday morning (two weeks
prior the wedding date) I told him that I don’t have peace. He also didn’t have peace anymore. So he left.
He packed all his things and moved back to East London. I wanted to believe that this was only
temporary. He never asked me to go
with. I thought we can still carry on
with the relationship and only postpone but he broke all contact with me. He didn’t ever reply on my emails or WhatsApp
messages. It was like someone just
completely vanished from planet earth.
Once again my heart was broken.
A few days later I collapsed at
work. I simply collapsed. The doctor literally picked me up from the
floor. I was in so much pain. I could
not even carry my own body anymore. I
had a nervous breakdown and my doctor wanted to admit me but I asked to rather
take my leave two weeks earlier and go to Gouritz River (Western Cape, South
Africa) – all by myself.
When it comes to friends, God
blessed me with the crème de la crème of all friends. A friend contacted my Facebook friends, asking
them to help financially to get me to Gouritz River. He bought my plane ticket, rented me a car.
My friends cancelled all my other
appointments (beauty treatments). I will
be forever grateful to the people who helped me. The owner of the house in Gouritz River
draw me a map, how to get from George airport to Gouritz River with all the
instructions, how to get the water on, etcetera. He also took my GPS from my
car and personally made sure I had the right GPS coordinates stored. His wife, simply covered me with
love. I felt numb. I replaced the
honeymoon nighties and new underwear with the old ones.
It was only love, God’s love,
working through people who kept me alive in that time. There’s no other explanation.
When I arrived at George Airport, someone (from Greatbrak River, Western Cape, South Africa) was waiting at
arrivals. She saw on Facebook that I am
on my way and although it was Sunday, lunch time, she said to her husband: “There’s no way I am going to let that woman,
in that state, arrive here all by herself.
I am going to meet her at the airport and take her for lunch to Pepper
Tree Coffee shop”. She was like an angel
from God.
I felt like a zombie. I still can’t remember how I reached the
house at Gouritz River. It’s still very
vague. The moment I finally closed the
door behind me and put my suitcase down, I simply fell down on the kitchen
floor.
I was so relieved to finally be
away, be alone with God. On the dining
room table was a huge hamper: “To the
Bride and Bridegroom”. I guess the good
part of being alone on honeymoon, without the groom, is you don’t have to share
the hamper. It was only later, that I
could actually appreciate the humor in the hamper.
I slept for days. I ate from that hamper till sick. I read a very sad book I found in the house.
I discovered a tin of condensed milk in the cupboard, made a hole and took it
to bed while sipping on it like a baby a milk bottle. I stayed in bed. I cried.
I vented on Facebook, up to a point when some friends advised me not
vent on Facebook anymore. I felt so
embarrassed that I had to close my Facebook profile.
After a few days I went on every possible hiking
trail. I discovered “Uncle Tammy’s
bench”. I sat on that very bench talking
to God. I was on my knees, next to the bench, and the sea shells were cutting my knees when I
said:
“God, pain without purpose is like
pregnancy without birth. Something good
needs to get born out of this pain”.
Mossel Bay was the closest town
to Gouritz River. A woman from George,
who I originally knew from Pretoria, met me for lunch at Delfino’s at Mossel
Bay point. I loved the place. I felt drawn to the town and wish I could
move to Mossel Bay to start a new life.
After two weeks, I was still not
ready to go back to Pretoria. On 14
February 2015, the same time I was supposed to get married, I was on my flight
back to Johannesburg.
My youngest son met
me at the airport. He simply took me in
his arms and held me very close for a while.
It meant the world to me – to be in the loving arms of my son. We didn’t talk much. Even talking was too painful.
I have no words to describe the
humiliation being back at work and in Pretoria.
I was working at the reception of a General Practitioner and so many
patients who had appointments, approached me, not knowing the wedding was
cancelled, congratulated me and asked to see my “non-existing ring”.
Even in Spar, the local grocery shop, locals
would stop me; congratulate me, asking to see my ring. Time and time again I had to say: “No, we never got married”. There were so many unanswered questions.
I already paid for his wedding ring but asked
the designer to please keep it. I did not
ask for a refund. I just didn’t even
want to see it. It was too painful. When I was walking in a mall and saw a
jewellery shop, I deliberately walked on the opposite side of the shop,
avoiding the display window of the jewellery shop. It was too painful to even walk past the
engagement or wedding ring display.
One person approached me at the
mall and asked if I know about the woman who works at the reception at the
doctor’s rooms who was left at the altar?
I answered: “Yes, I know about her because I am that woman”. He was so
eager to gossip that he wasn’t even aware of the fact that he was actually
gossiping about me to me.
A week after returning from
Gouritz River in the Western Cape, my sister asked to meet me at Woodlands Mall
in Pretoria (South Africa). We went to
an art gallery because she knew the owner of the gallery. We had coffee with him and he later ordered
us lunch as well.
An artist was busy
painting something in the front of the art gallery. The owner sometimes invited artists to paint
inside the art gallery to give them some exposure. I was drawn to the painting and never had the
opportunity to watch while somebody was actually busy creating a beautiful
piece of art. He was standing with his
back towards me. After standing there
for a while, he suddenly put his paint brush down, turned around to face me and
told me that God gave Him a word for me.
He confirmed my calling, telling me that God was showing him that He is
going to use me with broken women. He
actually laid his hands on me and started prophesying over me, then prayed for
me and asked my permission because God showed him that he must represent Him
and hold me very close to his heart. We
stood there for a while. I cried,
because when he let go of me, his appearance changed. I didn’t see the face of the artist standing in front of me anymore. I saw Christ.
God heard me when I said: “Pain without purpose is like pregnancy without
birth. Something good needs to come from
this”.
I started praying about the camp when ministry friends, who also helped me with my
second women’s camp, approached me, offering financial help to get the next
camp from the ground.
I was amazed. I knew this was a sign from God to go ahead
with what was already in my heart.
In the camp information for the
3rd camp we simply asked the women to bring clothes they would normally wear
for an afternoon wedding. They knew
there would be a wedding, but they did not know who was getting married.
A friend who offered to do the flowers and the
decorations for the wedding, now did the flowers and decorations for the
Women’s Camp. A beauty
therapist friend who offered to do my make-up for the wedding, offered to do my
make-up for the camp.
The
wedding photographer drove through to the venue for the Saturday. Someone did my hair. She was not even a hair dresser but her
sister, who was actually the hair dresser but was unable to attend the camp,
gave her instructions how to do the up-style from a picture I presented and she
did such an amazing job.
Just like planned for my own
wedding, my sons brought me in. I walked
in on the song “Agnus Dei” sang by a children’s choir on cd. We walked in, a son on each side and stood
before a wooden cross till the end of the song.
My youngest son prophetically
“acted out” as pastor. When it was
time for the wedding vows, I read my vows, but changed it a little bit so that
it gave the women the opportunity to commit their lives to God for the first
time or as a renewal.
My Wedding Vows
As a renewal, or for the first
time, I hereby commit my life to You Lord.
After today, where You want me
to go, I will go, where You want me to lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall
be my people; my body will be Your body and only Yours.
I promise to be a prudent
woman. I will bring You good, not harm,
all the days of my life.
When I open my mouth, it will be
with skillful and Godly wisdom.
On my tongue will only be the law
of kindness.
I will operate in the spiritual
gifts towards You and Your people.
I will always love You. Nonstop.
Love is patient. I will be
patient.
Love is kind. I will be kind.
Love does not envy. I will not
envy.
Love does not boast, is not
proud.
I will not boast, will not be
proud.
Love is not rude, self-seeking or
easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs.
I will not be rude, self-seeking
or easily angered. I will not keep any
record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoice with the truth.
I will not delight in evil but
will always speak and rejoice with the truth.
Love always protects, always
trust, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I will always protect You and Your
name. I will stand up for You. I will
trust You and be trustworthy as well.
I will never lose hope. And I will always persevere.
I will respect and reverence You,
as my Lord. I will notice You, regard You, honor You, prefer You, venerate
You, and esteem You. I will defer to
You, praise You, love and admire You exceedingly.
I will encourage and build up. I
will not pay back wrong for wrong, but always be kind. I will be joyful, pray
continually, will give thanks in ALL circumstances.
I will be worthy of You. I will
not gossip. I will be tempered, and self-controlled, trustworthy in ALL things.
I will be submissive to You.
I will not love in theory or in
speech only, but in deeds and in truth.
I vow to help You love life,
through me.
To always hold You with
tenderness.
When my son, acting out as Pastor, said: “Now give each other the
right hand”, I walked to the wooden cross, lit the flower shaped candles that
was attached to the cross and then did a prophetic dance. At the end of the song, I stepped into a
plastic bucket and poured a whole flask full of anointing oil over my head and
gave myself up/over to Him. I then
anointed each and every woman with the same anointing oil and gave every woman
a prophetic word.
Even the photographer quickly put
her camera on a chair and ran to be anointed as well and receive a word. Fortunately one of my sons was quick to grab
her camera and took a picture of her as well.
After the wedding we had a
reception.
There was a matric girl (grade 12) at the
camp. Her mother, who brought her to the
camp, knew how to get the anointing oil out of the dress. I blessed her with the dress and told her to
“pay it forward”. She had to find
someone who can’t afford a prom dress and bless the girl with the
dress. I also gave her the hair
ornaments that were in my hair.
A few weeks after the camp, someone who heard
about the camp phoned me, telling me that the woman who made her daughters
dress disappeared two weeks prior prom night (matric farewell). I provided her with the cell number of the mother
of the matric girl (grade 12) who attended the camp.
She had wisdom saying the girl could go and fit the dress and if it
fits, it’s hers. The dress fitted as if it was made for her.
When she heard the story about the dress, she
decided to “pay it forward” as well, after her prom night (matric farewell) and found another
girl who could not afford a prom dress (matric farewell dress).
When I came back from my
‘honeymoon without the groom’, I wrote ten things in my journal that needed to
happen before I could move to Mossel Bay.
As time went by, I started ticking down the list. God did miracles.
In the meantime, my sister who did not even
know I wanted to move to Mossel Bay, now stayed in Mossel Bay and my parents
had moved to Mossel Bay as well.
One night I had a dream about a
place close to the beach where I have never been before. On 12 March 2016 my sister’s daughter got
married in Jeffrey’s Bay and I had the opportunity to visit Mossel Bay
again. As we drove through Reebok, I
recognized the place as the same place I saw in my dream.
Within a few months, not only did
I make an offer on an apartment but my house in Pretoria also sold quickly.
1 July 2016 I moved to Reebok, Mossel
Bay. The single mother who could never
afford to take her sons on holiday was now living in Reebok Mossel Bay, only
five hundred meters from the beach. It
was nothing but a miracle.
It still amazes me, how God had
drawn me to this beautiful place, to heal me of every broken soul wound of my
past. I will be forever grateful to Him.
“To strengthen those crushed by despair who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful bouquet in the place of ashes, the oil of bliss instead of tears, and the mantle of joyous praise instead of the spirit of heaviness. Because of this, they will be known as Mighty Oaks of Righteousness, planted by Yahweh as a living display of his glory”.
Isaiah 61:3 TPT
Laetitia Zeeman
Glory Realm Ministries
Truly....all things work out for those who love God....
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